I want to add my voice to those that have talked openly about miscarriage. By sharing my story, I hope to help others who have suffered a loss, in any stage of pregnancy. Writing out my feelings and talking about it has helped me, so I encourage anyone who has gone through this to do the same.
Two Days After…
I was not pregnant for long, but it didn’t take long to get excited about having a second child. Almost instantly, I mentally made plans. I fantasized about my son being an older brother. I made all of the initial appointments. Adding a fourth to our family became a quick reality. As quickly as it came, however, it was gone.
Having a miscarriage is something I never thought would happen to me. My first pregnancy was easy, very easy. Seamless almost. My labor and delivery were textbook. I had zero issues. So when I saw the positive pregnancy test (okay, I actually took six tests, but who’s counting?), I just assumed the same thing would happen again. However, when I took another test a week later, I had a conflicting result. I called the doctor and had a blood test done.
My doctor called me the next morning and confirmed my fear – my hCG levels were extremely low and I was going through a chemical pregnancy miscarriage. My husband and I had never heard of this, so naturally we took to the internet to learn more. It is where the pregnancy doesn’t progress past the very early stages. Something goes wrong during implantation and the baby doesn’t grow. Then you get your period. I would have thought this was just a horrible period if I wasn’t so tuned into what was happening to my body. This is considered a miscarriage because I was technically pregnant for two weeks. And then I just…wasn’t.
Two Weeks After…
Out of the blue and at random, the tears come back. My body didn’t go through anything life changing, but I am mentally changed by this. My thoughts and ideas of a second pregnancy were growing faster than the cells were combining in my body, but I still consider this a devastating loss. In the back of my mind, I will always wonder what the little bundle of cells could have become and how he or she would have reshaped our family. I never got to meet him or her, but I will always grieve them.
On the other hand, I feel grateful. It could have been much worse. I could have been at a more progressive stage of my pregnancy. We could have heard the heartbeat. I could have started having conversations with my stomach like the weirdo I am. But it didn’t get to that point like it does for so many other women. For those women, I ache.