I have been thinking about writing this post since before our second son was even born. I just had so many emotions swirling in my brain that I knew I’d just have so much to say. Now that we are here…living in it…What was I saying again? Where am I? What day is it?
I’m kidding. Sort of. It’s Monday. Less than 24 hours before this post is due, and if I’m being honest I wrote Tuesday first and then checked my computer date thingy. I’m solo parenting tonight because my husband is out of town for work. Which is how it is almost every week. I don’t know why I lied to you. He is usually out of town for work, but tonight he is playing in a golf league at Top Golf, and if I’m really honest I think that is stupid (sorry babe). Either way, I did dinner, bath, bed by myself. My 20-month-old is in bed, and my 6-week old is laying next to me fussing as I type. I feel like he knows I’m writing about the stressors of parenting, and he wanted to add to the whole “vibe.” My golden doodle (he’s for sale) has barked no less than 3 times startling everyone. I’m drinking wine while still in my sweaty workout clothes from earlier.
What I mean to say is…I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything is FINE. I also mean it. Really. We are doing ok. Obviously, I received tons of advice before baby number 2 arrived. A lot of it consisted around reassuring me I would love this second child (I do) and that a lot of the things I found hard or surprising would be easier this time around (they were). I love Beau so much more than I could have imagined. Although, sometimes, I feel like I barely know him compared to the bond I’ve built with our first son, Boone. A lot of things have been easier, childbirth, for example. I also knew how to change a diaper this time around—so that helped. It doesn’t mean that having an infant that wakes up throughout the night while a toddler is teething and waking up on the opposite schedule is easy. It sucks, and there is no getting around it. I’m tired in a way I’ve never been tired before. I can’t remember what I was saying or doing. I can actually feel brain cells dying from lack of sleep. I also get frustrated. Like, scream in my room by myself frustrated. Something that didn’t really happen before…
I’m thrilled to have another child. I’m equally thrilled to (most likely) have completed our family. Having back to back babies is no joke. I was asked yesterday by a dear friend who has one baby if I would recommend it. They are eager to start growing their family and feel the clock ticking. Sadly, I said no. Actually, I said, “HECK NO! DON’T DO IT!” Maybe in a month or six, I will feel differently. Perhaps I will forget how hard this is and how tired I am. I’m sure I will; otherwise, I wouldn’t have had a second baby to begin with right? At this moment, though I choose to acknowledge what I’ve learned so far. Many days I feel like I can’t possibly do this again tomorrow. Most nights I’m in bed by 9 pm, and I haven’t had a real conversation with my husband, family, or friends in 2 months, but I’m doing it. It might not be my best work, and I might get way more frustrated than I should, but I’m doing it. I’m showing up and right now, that is the BEST I can do.
Parenting two under two is not for the faint of heart. It is making me mentally tough and physically tougher (why so much biting toddler?!). I can’t say I’m thankful I did it this way, but I know like most of the crazy things I’ve done in my life…it will be one heck of a story!