Cyber Shopping Shame

I recently read an article about a couple’s incredibly beautiful date night. They got a babysitter, went out to a bouge restaurant for drinks and then took an Uber to, wait for it…TARGET! The wife roamed the aisles of Target, sans kids, giggly and totally buzzed, while her husband followed her around, happy that she was happy. It was a win-win date night. Ahhh-mazing! That’s the kind of date night I need in my life. #goals

I just had to start my little shopping blog here off with a wonderful, true life shopping tale like that. Actually, we really need more of these stories on the daily news. Truly heartwarming…

Anyway, ‘tis the season to eat, drink, shop and be merry, and I’m ready for it. Giddy up! I’m the kind of shopper who can tear up the stores in person or online. Most of the time, online, because it’s easier, although date night to Target would be lovely. Call it crazy, call it nuts, call it retail therapy, call me maybe, but we live in a material world, and I am a material girl ready to dance and sway and click “proceed to checkout” and “place order!” Mmmhhhmmmm.

What I often laugh about is how I am like many online shoppers out there: I will have $90 of  items in cart but $4.99 shipping makes me question everything in my cart. Like, do I really need these things? Ooooh, well, I think I kind of know I really do sort of need them, but eek! That shipping charge though…hmmmm….maybe I should just add some more so I qualify for free shipping? Yep! That’s the answer!

I just lost my train of thought writing this blog because I took a break to buy a cute pair of taupe boots online…had Target on the brain. #truestory

Ok, where was I?

Oh yeah…I absolutely love to shop, and with Black Friday upon us (and all the pre-Black Friday sales, so it’s like we really have three Black Fridays), and Cyber Monday (and Cyber Monday continuing on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday), it’s going down, y’all!

Hi, my name is Andee. I am a shopping addict. But at least I use coupons and try to earn free shipping…

Now I know online shopping has been a thing for quite a while, but I am convinced that  last year was the year of online shopping truly taking over, and it’s only heightening.

Retailers are relentless. They all fight to declare how they have the BEST deals and the BIGGEST savings. And even when I buy things from them, I can’t escape. They blow up my e-mail with more coupons and suggestions of things to buy.

Each year before all of this Black Friday madness, I collect the flyers and coupons we receive in the mail; I get my Sharpie out, hide from my husband and strategically map out what Black Friday deals I am going to attack, I mean, target (no pun intended) online before, during and after Thanksgiving. Tee hee.

My hands start tingling and my face lights up as I go into “Can’t stop, won’t stop” mode! I’ll be soaring on cloud 9 on the way to the in-laws, on my phone scrambling to add items to my cart, get the right sizes/items, apply the correct coupon codes and make sure to also get free shipping…all before we reach our Turkey Day destination.

I online shop most of the time for everything, but especially with all these retailers vying to put out the best deals in cyber land, it’s game on! I know the true reason for the season, yet I love buying for those important to me as well as those in need; I also enjoy the fun and high of holiday shopping (and getting great deals)!

Socks, underwear, body spray, oh my! $5 flannel pajamas? We don’t really need more, but for only $5?! Ok! $3 bath towels? Already have 20 at our house, but for only $3 each?! Ok! $2.50 hand lotion from Bath and Body Works, yep!

The deals are SO good, therefore, they are justified, right? Right?! (Placate me and if you still have time, please feed me and tell me I’m pretty.)

Of course I need to buy another Lego set for my son, and another jar candle for my neighbor. Oh, and someone is going to need that new fleece blanket. And four more pillows. Oh, and more CrossFit shoes.

It’s like sometimes I feel like I need to throw my phone into the corner and hang my head in shame! But the deals keep speaking to me…they keep calling out to me: “Spsss. Spsss. Andee…Andee. Look! 50 percent off! You can’t pass that up, can you? CAN YOU?!”

I’ll never forget the sheer terror in my husband’s eyes as we drove to my parents’ house on Thanksgiving last year. It’s roughly a 3-hour drive, and I’d say 90 percent of the way he kept looking over at me in the passenger seat wondering, but deep down knowing, what I was doing. He had seen the growing number of boxes and packages on our doorstep each week. He knew there was imminent danger and that he needed to act fast. RED ALERT!

“You’re not ordering anything else, right?” he calmly asked trying to mask his nerves, slightly giraffe-necking at my phone.

“Well, not yet!!” I cheerfully responded with a sweet smile before delving back into my scrolling of all the delectable delights on the screen.

He knew what that response meant. It was too late. Within minutes, I had succumbed to the sizzling cyber specials. But my birthday is in December, so it was totally justified.

Happy birthday AND Merry Christmas to me, I thought as I danced in my seat! Yet, I vowed, again, to stop (both the shopping and the hideous dancing).

But then days later Kohl’s sent me Kohl’s cash. And JC Penney sent me JCP rewards. And then Kohl’s sent me Kohl’s rewards. And a birthday coupon. I mean, I couldn’t let those go to waste, right? I earned those like a true shopping champ. So I had to redeem them like a champ.

It was a vicious cycle, a vicious cycle indeed. I’d use the Kohl’s cash, Kohl’s coupon and Kohl’s reward, and somehow, they would still send me another e-mail stating I earned more Kohl’s cash. OH. MY. GOSH. I remember I truly did want to throw my phone!

The truth? I couldn’t handle the truth! I was an online junkie just shaking and baking and scouring for daily discounts! Somehow it all reminded me of the scene in Ace Ventura when Jim Carrey realized he kissed a man, so he jumped into the shower, crying, trying to wash and rid himself of the experience.

“Einhorn is Finkle. Finkle is Einhorn. Einhorn is a man! Oh, my gawd! Einhorn is a MAN!”

I was bathing in cyber shame, and I didn’t even see it coming!

Last shopping season I definitely learned I need to do a much better job of ignoring some of the e-mails and resisting the bargains. My son doesn’t need 8,000 toys, I don’t need 20 more pairs of shoes and most of all, the retailers and their 10,000 e-mails can kiss it! My hope and my goal is that this year my tummy will be stuffed from all the cyber shopping. I’m not going to let the tenacious retailers get the best of me! I won’t be like last year, where I felt as though every few minutes I was like a big boy trying to resist a slice of pizza someone was waving in front of him. Because brutal truth, last year I was totally like the big guy who not only ate the slice, but then the entire pizza before downing a six pack, crouching in the corner in shame and sucking his thumb.

Like Target date night, #goals

Happy shopping, everyone!

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One Response to Cyber Shopping Shame

  1. sista November 22, 2017 at 11:04 am #

    Ha! Good luck! I think you will last….20 minutes? 😉

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